Last Day

On the way to work I saw a house Coca-cola red with a roof black as a chalkboard just before a good cleaning. It looked abandoned, though it was surrounded by other houses and buildings in varying states of disrepair.

I wrote in my orange notebook while on the road, and came out of the train with a headache. And then I worked a measly three hours--though there were a lot of orders to get through--because the mall was closing earlier than we expected. I went home with my co-worker Frank. He's a tiny man my father's age. We rode the train together until the end of the line, then walked to his car parked on 100th Street and he dropped me off at the library.

Although I didn't get much done, although I cut my thumb again and went through several band-aids, although my nails look like broken sea shells ground up in the surf, although it's cold, it felt like a good day.

A Big New Free Happy Unusual Life by Nina Wise
(somewhat paraphrased)

1) Begin from stillness. Then see what comes. Pay attention to what you've done, but don't anticipate what you will do next. In this way, you live in the present moment.
2) Be true to whatever you are feeling physically, whether tired or lively.
3) Respond to emotional impulses as they arise moment to moment, whether irritated or frightened. Don't demonstrate the feelings through cliches but express them in your own way.
4) Include everything. Push nothing aside.
5) Surrender. Let go of believing you are in charge of the way your life goes, the way your work goes, the way you move or sing or draw or write poetry. Give up, yield, lose control. Surrender to the subconscious.
6) Surprise yourself. Go for what you don't know, what you've never done before. When you are moving in a way that is off balance, quirky, odd, awkward, you are doing good work. When you find yourself working in ways that are unfamiliar and uncomfortable, feed more energy into the process. Go as far as you can into that new territory.
7) Take risks physically and emotionally. Not to the extent that you injure yourself, but that you move beyond what is known into what is unknown. Risk adds excitement and interest to your work. It is fine to take a risk and fail. Move to the edge of what your capacity is, expand your ability, and continue to move to the next edge. Like life, art making is not a static event occurring in a safe space, but a dynamic unfolding of new possibilities.
8) Make mistakes. Be stupid, awkward, ridiculous. Write the worst poem imaginable. Paint a horrible picture. Sing out of tune. Embarrass yourself. Often our attempts to be good or skillful camouflage a deeper part of ourselves. When we let ourselves make mistakes, we discover the wisdom inherent in our stupidity, the grace embedded in awkwardness, the truth couched in the ridiculous. When you fail in your efforts, congratulate yourself for your courage and vitality.
9) Commit to what you are doing. Commitment plus energy equals enjoyment. Don't hold back. Feed energy into your action. You don't have to believe in what you are doing, you simply have to do it.

You have to force yourself at first. And then you fall in love with the whole experience. Then it's a question of love.
---
I keep coming back to this book from the library. The title drew me, and it always leads me to be a bit more present in my body, to be more sensual and still, and to trust my impulses more. You can say this list represents my New Year's Resolutions.

End of Year Post

Movies I watched (Might be incomplete)
1) Avatar (New Year, with family)
2) When in Rome (Feb, with Jayne)
3) Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (with the kids)
4) Bounty Hunter (was it Mother's Day or Father's Day? with family)
5) How to Train your Dragon (with Chi. loved it!)
6) Shrek 4: Forever After (for free)
7) Karate Kid (Summer, with the kids. pretty good, too.)
8) Inception (in the Philippines, with my cousins. Mind-blowing.)
9) Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows (November, tradition.)
10) Salt (on video, liked it in spite of myself.)
11) Despicable Me (on video, it's so fuzzy!)
12) Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (on video, liked the alternate ending better.)
13) Plus some films on DVDs from the Phils.

Series...
1) MacGyver (finished Season 1 and parts of Season 2)
2) Big Bang Theory (Season 2 only)
3) Jeeves & Wooster (1 & 2, from the library)
4) The Mentalist (minus the Red John eps)
5) Due South (first 2 seasons. Vecchio!)
6) Korean, Taiwanese and Japanese shows...

Books I read
1. Please Don't Eat the Daisies by Jean Kerr (I remember this from my creative nonfiction class in college; still funny after fifty years.)
2. Brilliant by Marne Davis Kellogg (Filled with twists; I couldn't put it down.)
3. Max Makes a Million by Maira Kalman (Colorful and jazzy)
4. Ordinary Genius: A Guide for the Poet Within by Kim Addonizio (I want my own copy; the exercises are amazing.)
5. Arrows of the Queen by Mercedes Lackey (Nice enough; good beginning)
6. Three Nights in Havana: Pierre Trudeau, Fidel Castro and the Cold War World by Robert Wright (Wow. Considering it's historical and non-fiction, very well-written.)
7. Fables: Exiled (graphic novel)
8. Thirteen Orphans by Jane Lindskold (reccd by sister.)
9. Gone-Away Lake by Elizabeth Enright (reread the sequel as well. I want a copy!)
10. The Whispering Grove by Margery Hilton (Harlequin book from 1971)
11. Virgin with Butterflies by Tom Powers (vintage Harlequin reprint from 1940s; hilarious, reads like a parody)
12. Daughter of the Forest by Juliet Marillier (I was caught in its web of silence, and cried a lot in the reading. Even though it's a fairy tale with a familiar ending, I was still in breathless anticipation as to what would happen)
13. Son of the Shadows by Juliet Marillier (ran through it quickly, bk 2; 3rd bk is still out.)
14. Book of Atrix Wolfe by Patricia McKillip (Good, but ethereal and forgettable.)
15. Perfect by Marne Davis Kellogg (Decadent and gorgeous. It made me want to go out and buy jewelry or a sinful chocolate cake. Now I want the next one...)
16. An Exchange of Gifts by Anne McCaffrey
17. Wildwood Dancing by Juliet Marillier
18. Child of the Prophecy by Juliet Marillier (Sniffles)
19. Havemercy by Jaida Jones and Danielle Bennett (Slashy!)
20. The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet by Rief Larsen (Brilliant, restrained, sensual and yet didactic; T.S. is now my favorite twelve year old cartographer.)
21. Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen (Like Practical Magic. A bit simplistic, but compelling, too. Made me want to eat edible flowers.)
22. The Writer as an Artist: A New Approach to Writing Alone and with Others by Pat Schneider (Nice, commonsense, but also inspiring book with writing exercises inside and how to lead a workshop...)
23. Whatcha mean, what's a zine? by Mark Todd and Esther Pearl Watson
24. Shock Waves by Carolyn Keene (Nancy Drew and Hardy Boys Super Mystery) - Did I just imagine better quality in the Super Mysteries I've read before? Or is it hit and miss? I remember reading Evil in Amsterdam and being impressed by it.
25. Three Fortunes in One Cookie by Cochrane Lambert (picked up for the gay, loved it for the friendships.)
26. The Great Indoors by Sabine Durrant (Interesting interiors.)
27. Revenge of the Middle-Aged Woman by Elizabeth Buchan (Nice, low-key wit.)
28. Wives Behaving Badly by Buchan (Liked the first one better.)
29. Deadville by Ron Koertge (Has nice moments.)
30. Scandalizing the Ton by Diane Gaston (romance paperback.)
31. Zanna's Gift by Orson Scott Card.
32. I am the Messenger by Marcus Zusak (should have a crossover with Stargirl!)
33. The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi by Nagaru Tanigawa (Boring at first, but moderately interesting; I'm enjoying the anime more.)
34. Tongue by Kyung-Ran Jo (Vivid, sensual, like Ackerman's A Natural History of the Senses, disturbing. The ending didn't really ruin it for me, but makes it hard to reread.)
35. Momo by Michael Ende (inventive and resonant; still, I'm keeping it because of Kim Sam Soon.)
36. Flipped by Wendelin Van Draanen (Needs a sequel! Made me cry. Revenge!)
37. Heir to Sevenwaters by J. Marillier (Not as good, but alright, too.)
38. Scaramouche by Rafael Sabatini (Easy to read in spite of the florid language, or maybe because of it, a sort of tease of the French Revolution)
39. The Penderwicks by Jeanne Birdsall (Much more wonderful than I thought it would be, like Enright but actually better.)
40. Incorrigible Children of Ashton Place: The Mysterious Howling by Maryrose Wood (Too short! Parody of Jane Eyre.)
41. Wheels of Fire by Mercedes Lackey and Mark Sheperd (No Tannim though... I like Joe!)
42. Eon: Dragoneye Reborn by Alison Goodman (Sequel! Couldn't put it down! Brilliant twists.)
43. Dragonflight by Anne McCaffrey
44. Dragonquest by Anne McCaffrey
45. The White Dragon by Anne McCaffrey (concise and thrilling; omnibus.)
46. Dragonsong by Anne McCaffrey (don't know if it counts, because I think I read it a long time ago, but it's unfamiliar enough to be considered.)
47. The Liar by Stephen Fry (Naughty, brilliant and mad, with lots of quotable quotes.)
48. Dragonsinger by Anne McCaffrey (I love it!)
49. Dragondrums by Anne McCaffrey (Finished it in half a day. Reminds me a little of Island of Blue Dolphins. Piemur's interesting life as singer, drummer, sometime spy and explorer.)
50. The Penderwicks at Gardam Street by Jeanne Birdsall (I love Batty!)
51. Vampire High: Sophomore Year by Douglas Rees (Amazing!!! As cool as the first, and reminds me of Plain JANE's art thing.)
52. Dillweed's Revenge: A Deadly Dose of Magic by Florence Parry Heide (bought for Ellis' illustrations. Too short...)

There are still a couple of days into the end of the year so I could pull of last-minute additions.